Monday, September 19, 2011

Miriam Defensor Santiago Pick-Up Lines

The jokes Mrs. Santiago delivered in this video are familiar to the majority and I personally find some of them corny when I first read them.  But coming from Mrs. Santiago, these jokes become funny and hilarious.  Enjoy.


[…] because I got a message from my friends from Twitter and Facebook. The message is: “Para fair ang labanan sa susunod magpadala tayo ng interpreter sa Ms. Universe. Ipadala natin si Senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago. Pwede na rin si Kuya Kim Atienza para may kaunting trivia.”

When I was a student here I was a very, very committed student, I was very, very busy not only trying to stay in the honor roll, but also in many various extra-curricular activities. For example, I was editor of the Philippine Collegian, and at the same time I was [co-sponsor] of the UP ROTC not once but twice. This only shows that lightning can strike twice. I never had time to get picked up by any of the males, because at that time I was fully convinced that all males had the brains of an amoeba.


[…] someone very close to me and actually, you’ll be surprised, someone very shy. So I told her, you must meet the students of Metro Manila, and you’ll see how impressive they are. I want her to stand up so you can see her, Ms. Heart Evangelista. She’s a twice-awarded best actress in Philippine films, but she has no self-confidence, I discovered. If you want to teach her self-confidence, can you please first get in touch with me, so I can verify if your intentions are honorable. Actually she’s available at Facebook.


She told me yesterday when she got lost in Hong Kong and a man was following her from floor to floor in a department store. She got very frightened and had an almost traumatic experience, and burst into tears. That is the kind of feminine personality Heart has. So I told her, “No, why should you get frightened? You should have turned around and confronted your fears. You should’ve stood up very straight in front of that Chinaman, and you should have said, ‘See anything you like? Anything? It’s 50 dollars. For 50 dollars more your wife can watch.’” If you keep coming with me, Heart, you will get educated.


I was a very, very committed student. I always woke up at five o’clock and then went to church. And then I devoted myself to studying the entire day and the entire night, which was the opposite of what my dormmates used to do. They devoted themselves to, let us call it, extra-sexual activities. And when exam week came, they all went to St. Jude, the patron saint of the impossible.


I never got picked up by anybody, either here in the Philippines or abroad. But now I know there are certain pick-up lines which will prove irresistible.


Why don’t you try the following?

Kung magkakaroon ako ng sariling planeta, gusto ko ikaw ang axis nito, para sa iyo lang iikot ang mundo ko.
 

Sana FB status ka na lang, para pwede kitang i-like.
 

Ibenta mo na bahay mo, tutal nandidito ka na, nakatira sa puso ko.
 

Sana naka-off ang ilaw, para tayo na lang mag-on.

Noodles ka ba, kasi Lucky Me?

 

[…] parang see-saw, pag wala ka, down ako.
 

Para kang hold-upper, lahat ibibigay ko sayo, wag mo lang akong saktan.
 

Galing mo din, ano? Di mo pa ko binabato tinamaan mo na ako.
 

Maglaro tayo ng kahit ano, wag lang taguan, kasi a girl like you is hard to find.
 

Sana exam mo na lang ako, para sagutin mo rin ako.
 

Bastos ka rin, ano? Di ka man lang nagpapaalam tuloy-tuloy kang pumasok sa puso ko.
 

Google ka ba? Lahat kasi ng hinahanap ko sayo ko natagpuan.
 

Nakalimutan ko pangalan mo, eh. Pwede bang tawagin na lang kitang… akin?
 

Nakalunok ka ba ng kwitis, kasi pag ngumiti ka, may spark

This is what Dr. […] Cabral said to Dr. Esperanza Cabral, when they were both students in the UP College of Medicine.
Sana ikaw ang cardiologist ko, para ikaw ang mag-aalaga sa puso ko.
 

Sana scientist ako, para ikaw naman ang lab ko.
 

Tindera ka ba ng yosi? Kasi you give me Hope… and More.
 

Para kang cactus, kasi handa akong masaktan, mayakap ka lang.
 

Pag wala ka ang buhay ko parang lapis na hindi natasahan: pointless.

Let’s go to Q&A.

Q: Pano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na mataba siya na hindi siya mababastos?

A: Excuse me, Miss, Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?

GUY 1: May sagot ka ba sa exam?

GUY 2: Puro blanko.
GUY 1: Patay.
GUY 2: Bakit?
GUY 1: Baka isipin nila nagkopyahan tayo.

I never thought I was going to enter politics coz I was studying hard here in UP to prepare for my future. I always thought that I would someday be a rocket scientist, astrophysicist, or even a lion-tamer. I never wanted to enter politics. I was simply forced by the circumstances. I’m afraid I was seduced by the young people of this country.


Once I entered politics, it became natural, being a civil, God-fearing, law-abiding citizen, for me to lose my temper, because politicians are… [waves hand down].

So… kelangan minsan sa politika, para lang mabuhay sa pulitika, to survive, if not to prevail, kelangan mataray ka. Iba naman klaseng taray ito. Eto nga yun sinasabi ko.


Di ko sinasabing maganda ako. Sinasabi ko lang, pangit ka.

 

Pag nakikita kita, parang gusto kong magsorry sa mga mata ko.
 

Wife: Ibili mo ako ng bagong bra.
Husband: Wag ka ng mag-bra, maliit naman boobs mo.
Wife: Eh bakit ikaw, nagbebrief ka pa?

Heart Evangelista is so beautiful people often tell her how beautiful she is. And she always says she feels extremely mortified when she hears it. So I told her, “Don’t do that! Why should you be so shy and why should you be embarrassed?” And I told her, “When someone told me, ‘Ang ganda mo’ I answered ‘Sana ikaw rin.’”


In a swimming pool:

Classmate 1: I’m sure lulutang ka.
Classmate 2: Bakit? Dahil payat ako?
Classmate 1: Hindi, dahil plastic ka.

When the cashier at the grocery said, “Miss, pwedeng candy na lang ang sukli ko sa iyo?” I answered “Bakit, tsokolate ba ang ibinayad ko?”


The husband said, “When I’m gone you’ll never find another man like me.” The wife replied, “What makes you think I’d want another man like you?”


This is what I learned in my eight years in UP. I never learned this when I went to Harvard, Cambridge or Oxford, they were just dull. I will now go to my assigned topic. [Licks lips]

2 comments:

  1. the best stand up comedian....ikaw na talaga....

    ReplyDelete
  2. this made me laugh...

    ReplyDelete