Laurence Is My Name

I love my name. I don't know if you love yours as much as I do mine, pero hindi naman ako obsessed. Ok, siguro obsessed ako, hindi ko lang na-realize. Noon, ang akala ko, napaka-unique ng pangalan ko. Akala ko ako lang ang may pangalang "Laurence," pero nung high school ako, ang dami kong kapangalan sa school. Tanggap ko na rin na hindi unique ang pangalan ko, na marami kaming Laurence dito sa mundo.

Ikaw, pag may kapangalan ka, ano ang una mong ginagawa? Ako, tinitingnan ko kaagad kung siya ay guwapo. Ewan ko, kasi meron akong mind set na kapag "Laurence" ang pangalan mo, kailangan ay guwapo ka. In fairness, sa lahat-lahat ng nakita kong kapangalan ko, masasabi ko na 99.9% kaming puro guwapo. Kung di ka naniniwala, i-Google mo, o kaya ay i-search mo sa Facebook. (Singit lang: partida, first name pa lang yan. Try mo i-Google o search sa FB ang Laurence Lee. Madami kami.)

Ang iba, alam nila kung bakit sila pinangalanan ng pangalan nila. Merong pinangalanan base sa kung sino ang presidente nung ipinanganak sila. Kaya ang daming Ferdinands. Meron ding pinalanganan base sa mga syllables ng mga pangalan ng tatay at nanay nila. Merong pinangalanan ayon sa kalendaryo. Ako, di ko alam kung bakit Laurence ang ibinigay sa aking pangalan, pero nagpapasalamat pa rin ako na iyon ang ibinigay sa akin. Nagpapasalamat din ako at hindi ako naging "junior." Parang ang awkward isipin kung ang pangalan ko ay "Florencio." (Sumalangit nawa.)

Bilang isang Laurence, ang kadalasang tawag sa akin ay Rence. Pinaiksi. May tumawag din sa aking Lo. Okay lang sa akin yung mga palayaw na nabanggit ko. May naisulat na ako tungkol sa mga tawag sa akin sa isang post ko. Pwede mong basahin iyon dito My Blog Name.

Ang pinakamahirap na naranasan ko sa pagkakaroon ng pangalang Laurence ay kung may kausap ako sa telepono at tinanong ang pangalan ko. Kadalasan ang naririnig nila sa phone ay "Loren." Ewan ko kung bakit di nila naririnig ang "s" sa huli. Hindi ko alam kung paano ko bibigkasin ang pangalan ko para marinig nila ang "s." Naisip ko na kapag tinanong ako kung ano ang pangalan ko, ang isasagot ko ay "Laurenzzzz," o kaya ay kagaya sa mga hapon - Laurensu.

Isa pa ay ang pag-spell ng pangalan ko, halimbawang tanungin ako sa mga fastfood dahil pending ang order ko. Mali-mali ang spelling ng Laurence na nakalagay sa resibo, depende kung ano ang kanilang ethnicity. Parang ang pinakamadaling gawin kapag tinanong ako sa fastfood o kaya ay sa coffee shop ng, "May I have your name, Sir?" ay sagutin sila ng, "Mike." 

PS
This article was published in Definitely Filipino.  Read the reader's comments na nakakatuwa.

Emo Mode Ako

Every time I sing or hear this song, I can't help getting emotional.  Because this song tells exactly the story of my life.  I did not have a good relationship with my father while he was living.  It's not that I had not loved him, but he did not love me.  Everything I did was wrong for him.  He didn't like me.  He did not like how I thought.  He did not like to hear what I had to say.  He did not give me the chance to express myself.  Everything about me was wrong.  I am not writing this to dishonor him.  I am writing this because I need to.  For myself.  So I can move on.  If I don't face this now, I know I will have to face this again in the future.

I grew up hating my father most of my life.  He was selfish and lived only for himself.  He did not provide.  He did not love.  He did not feed.  And add to that the verbal, physical, emotional, and psychological abuse that I received from him.  I started suffering depression when I was in my teens.  I didn't recognize it back then, but as I became more mature, I researched what I was going through, and how I can fight it.  I have been fighting it alone for most of my life.  I am not going to surrender.  If I would, I would have done a long time ago.  This is one of the reasons that I put up this blog.  I gathered in this blog the tools that I need to help myself.  I know someday I'm going to need help, and when I can find no help, I have this blog to turn to.  Me helping myself.  Because I just won't give up.  I will continue putting up a fight...with life. - Rence

Perfect

by Simple Plan

Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?

And do you think I’m wasting my time 

doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud

I’m never gonna be good enough for you
Can’t pretend that I’m alright

And you can’t change me

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be Perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?

All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don’t care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud

I’m never gonna be good enough for you
I can’t stand another fight

And nothing’s alright

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Nothing’s gonna change
The things that you said
And nothing’s gonna make this right again

Please don’t turn your back
I can’t believe it’s hard
Just to talk to you
But you don’t understand

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

‘Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Now it’s just too late
And we can’t go back
I’m sorry I can’t be perfect